...My friend Mandy, of MCubed fame, who taught me everything I know about blogging, always said that no one wants to read about someone bitching...try to stay positive. Well, we've had a couple of things come up recently that have rocked my world. I have been totally focused on my family, coping with the changes and trying to figure out the best way to get a handle on what's been going on. So, in order to follow her rules of an 8:1 postive to negative ratio, I took a few weeks off.
Here is what's been going on....
Here is what's been going on....
Right after the holidays, Scott started feeling like his symptoms of depression were coming back and he was feeling very anxious about work again…He went in and talked to his regular doctor, and was prescribed well-butrin. That helped for a few weeks, and in addition to the fact that he was taking that with a generic ativan for anxiety he thought it was helping. A few weeks ago, Scott fell down our stairs. It was the last 5 or 6 steps and it was just a muscle strain, but it scared him and we went to the dr. His doc checked him out, and they talked about the medication. The dr upped his dose of well-butrin. After 4 days on the increased dose, Scott’s anxiety was out of control. On January 27, he was paralyzed about work, anxious and snappy at home, he was throwing up, crying and had the shakes. He called the doctor’s office. The doctor called work for him to excuse him because Scott couldn’t do it, and sent us to the ER to talk to a psychologist, Mark Bowser. Mark did an assessment and once we started talking about Scott’s depression, the questions got really specific and everything he asked Scott answered “Yes.” They went over the list of medications Scott has taken over the past 2 years and how they helped or didn’t help, as well as his reaction to them. We also talked about his addiction to painkillers and his back surgeries. He was medically excused from work for the remainder of the weekend.
Basically, his reaction to the anti-depressants as well as his addictive personality pointed to a bi-polar diagnosis. Bi-polar causes a chemical imbalance that is exaggerated by anti-depressants, simply because they’re affecting the wrong chemical. The chemical they boost is what causes the “manic” behavior in a bi-polar person. There are different severities/types of bi-polar disorder. One of which is Bi-polar II (two). In this type, the mood swings are rapid, having several a day and the mania manifests itself more as high-anxiety, restlessness, inability to stay asleep, inability to concentrate and uncontrolled impulses (like chattiness, jumping from one subject or task to another, etc), all of which Scott has been struggling with. To him, he couldn’t understand why he was feeling so depressed, then all of a sudden, usually in the evenings, he had this huge burst of energy and chattiness. What Mark Bowser recommended was an out-patient “partial hospitalization” program. This program is part of the hospital and deals with mental health and substance abuse problems. It combines group therapy with counselors and one-on-one therapy with a psychiatrist. Their emphasis is dealing with these issues without losing one’s dignity – it is during the day, no over-nights, lunch is provided and you get to wear your own clothes. After leaving the ER, I called his General Manager, Bryce and explained the situation. We weren’t sure when he’d be able to get into the treatment program, so Scott was rescheduled to work nights for the following week. He started the out-patient program on Wednesday, Feb 2. The bi-polar diagnosis was confirmed and he was prescribed lithium and lamictyl (excuse my spelling, I can barely remember the name, let alone how to spell it) to combat the swings.
He attended the program three days the first week, going to work afterwards. He was off that Friday night, which is the first chance we really got to see or talk to each other and he was feeling very positive about his treatment. His psychiatrist suggested he take time off of work, and wrote a letter excusing him, but Scott felt like that would be detrimental to his career and his GM was on vacation. On Friday night, the medicine made him sleepy, so he was asleep on the couch soon after the kids were in bed. On Saturday, he backslid quite a bit. We were driving to lunch and to run some errands and he was irritable and snappy. Scotty mentioned he saw “dogs standing on a wall” which sounded weird and funny. I backed up, and went around the block to see them, because I wanted to see and for some reason, that set Scott off. He thought it was so dangerous that I backed into a side street (we were already on a side street) to turn around to go around the block and the fact that we were going to look at dogs seemed utterly ridiculous. He opened the car door, while I was driving, and as soon as I slowed down enough, he got out of the car and slammed the door. I let him be, I didn’t turn around and go after him because I knew how irrational and upset he was and I didn’t want to make a scarier scene for the kids. So, we went to eat. I was in touch with Scott, texting him. He said he was still too upset to come to lunch, but we should go ahead and do our errands. The kids and I had lunch, made our two stops afterwards. Our last stop was at Target. While we were there, Scott said he wasn’t doing well. I told him we’d finish up and come home. When I got home, Chris was there with him. I made sure it was ok for the kids to come in, and sent them upstairs to watch TV. We talked about what was going on, and whatever clicked for him in the car, made all the “bad thoughts” to come back, and he was terribly upset. He should’ve been getting ready to go to work. Chris suggested he take a week off, he had the dr’s note to do so, and thought it was understandable and viable. The thought of having to call Curt, the area director, almost set Scott into a fresh wave of hysterics. Chris called him for Scott. Explained what was going on, that there was a note excusing him, that he would take it unpaid, etc. Chris came back in, said that Curt understood, would take care of the shifts and that Curt wanted Scott to call him the next day, Sunday to go over everything.
Well, Sunday, Scott called Curt. It was a very short conversation, Scott started explaining to him how he’d been trying to do the best he could under the circumstances, these things were really spinning out of control. Curt told him that they had a business decision to make, they “let him take time off” this summer for his back surgery, and that they’re going to take him off the schedule. Scott asked what exactly that meant and Curt said, “We’re letting you go.” Scott said he understood, and that he thought he should end the conversation. Scott used the whole 12 week FMLA allotment for his back surgery, so from what I can tell, they haven't done anything illegal in firing him for medical reasons...
I spent that Sunday sort of in a funk…couldn’t really think about anything. That night when I went to bed, all I could do was cry…so I went downstairs so I could really sob and get it all out. Everything felt so overwhelming and I just didn’t know what to do or where to start doing it. I’m pretty angry, but not at Scott...I'm angry at Chilis, at Scott's years of being misdiagnosed, at the time he's had to waste taking medication that's made him worse. Scott finished his two days of treatment the following Monday and Tuesday, and afterwards on Tuesday, I was able to go in and talk to one of the counselors to answer questions I had, mainly about how to support him, and things to look out for in the future.
For the past two weeks, we've been pretty much just keeping our heads down, taking the steps we need to take in order to be okay. Scott has filed for unemployment, has his fact-finding interview next week. We elected to cash in his 401K, which isn't a hugely terrible amount, but we'll be able to eliminate most, if not all of the debt we currently have. We've taken steps to eliminate our monthly bills, such as turning down the heat, lessening our grocery bills and I've started driving Scott's smaller, more gas-friendly vehicle to work. Scott has been sending out his resume, applying for jobs, doing the laundry, and running the various errands that need to run. I've been swinging between abject terror at being the sole breadwinner and elation at having a househusband - often feeling quite bipolar myself - but as we're settling in and making plans, I'm actually feeling ok. Because one of the major sideeffects of Lithium is weight gain, and because I'm about 30 lbs overweight, we've cut calories and have been exercising. Once the time changes, we will start walking as a family after dinner as well.
We have quite a few silver linings here - Scott is able to adjust to his medications without the added anxiety of work and due to our decreased income, he now qualifies for assistance through our community services board for the therapy and counseling he'll need (our health insurance does not cover mental health, and with 2 incomes, we made too much money to qualify for help). We now have, for the time being at least, weekends off together and have been able to start going back to church. With the 401K money, we'll be paying off medical bills we've been paying on for 2 years. We have quit smoking and drinking. I should add more, you know, to make that ratio, but Scott just turned on an 80's movie and surprisingly, it's one I've never seen.
I hope to be back on here more regularly now that we're settling into some sort of a routine, and we're all adjusting to this new "normal." Thank you for taking the time to read this and I will keep you updated. Here's to healthier living, an upturn in the job market and spring springing quickly!!
For the past two weeks, we've been pretty much just keeping our heads down, taking the steps we need to take in order to be okay. Scott has filed for unemployment, has his fact-finding interview next week. We elected to cash in his 401K, which isn't a hugely terrible amount, but we'll be able to eliminate most, if not all of the debt we currently have. We've taken steps to eliminate our monthly bills, such as turning down the heat, lessening our grocery bills and I've started driving Scott's smaller, more gas-friendly vehicle to work. Scott has been sending out his resume, applying for jobs, doing the laundry, and running the various errands that need to run. I've been swinging between abject terror at being the sole breadwinner and elation at having a househusband - often feeling quite bipolar myself - but as we're settling in and making plans, I'm actually feeling ok. Because one of the major sideeffects of Lithium is weight gain, and because I'm about 30 lbs overweight, we've cut calories and have been exercising. Once the time changes, we will start walking as a family after dinner as well.
We have quite a few silver linings here - Scott is able to adjust to his medications without the added anxiety of work and due to our decreased income, he now qualifies for assistance through our community services board for the therapy and counseling he'll need (our health insurance does not cover mental health, and with 2 incomes, we made too much money to qualify for help). We now have, for the time being at least, weekends off together and have been able to start going back to church. With the 401K money, we'll be paying off medical bills we've been paying on for 2 years. We have quit smoking and drinking. I should add more, you know, to make that ratio, but Scott just turned on an 80's movie and surprisingly, it's one I've never seen.
I hope to be back on here more regularly now that we're settling into some sort of a routine, and we're all adjusting to this new "normal." Thank you for taking the time to read this and I will keep you updated. Here's to healthier living, an upturn in the job market and spring springing quickly!!
